will there ever come a day when I can look back without ever wondering?

it’s meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. Sigh. She must be one happy woman. :)

For almost 3 years now, I've lived with the questions
"Why?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"What's wrong with me?"
They come to haunt me at night, poking at my subconscious, and trespassing into my dreams as I sleep.

When will it end?

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

~Young Blood by the Naked and Famous

as the plans turn into compromise
the promises all turn to lies
the spite builds up and it can't get through
passive me agressive you

~All of This by The Naked and Famous

It’s scary to think that maybe I have come past the point of being able to fall in love. I just can’t seem to shake loose this little knot inside me, the knot that’s been here ever since you left. And I remember it so well. It was almost Christmas in the year 2009. I had just gotten home from Manila, and decided to pucker up the courage to patch things up with you after almost a year of silence and distance between us. You replied saying you’ve also been wanting to hang out like we used to. And so it was set. Little did I know that I was in for another heartbreak, the second time around – a confirmation of goodbyes if you will call it... the worst heartbreak yet.

The first time around, I never really allowed myself to be upset than what was necessary, having jumped from depressed to “im-okay” and holding myself back each time someone asks me how I’m doing, and skipping everything in between within a matter of weeks. But on that day, the moment our gazes caught each other as you picked me up at my house, all the emotions that should’ve been long forgotten came flooding back, making me wish that I had sobbed all of those away in the past months, in front of my friends or family, as long as it wasn’t in front of you. But I hadn’t. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Though somehow, my closest friends knew about it, and at some point, I think even my family knew. It was a secret we shared but did not speak of. So eventually, I stopped trying, and everybody else stopped offering as well. I had missed my chance. As far as everyone was concerned, I’d been doing so well for the past months that by this time, admitting otherwise would be too late, or too foolish of me.

That afternoon, we decided to buy coffee. Then you took me to your secret place – a place hidden among the trees, where the wind brought us that distinct salty smell from the sea. We spent the rest of the afternoon catching up, sipping our coffee, and then trying each other’s coffee, just like how we used to... but not quite. The entire time, my heart was beating so furiously and so loudly, making me anxious that it would give me away - that all this time, I longed for you to pull me close and feel your heartbeat against mine... the thing I miss the most. But you, on the other hand, kept checking your phone for messages. I must have looked curious as you were punching in words on your phone, because you looked at me, and then bashfully declared you were texting her. Right then and there, my heart sank. It’s a good thing that it was dark then, so you couldn’t see my face. I think I might have said, “I’m okay,” or somewhere along those lines, but the quiver in my voice gave me away. You know me too well.

I think you must have sensed that I didn’t want to go home just yet, so you took me to another place – a place nearer to the city, but still by the seaside. We talked some more about things which I can never really talk about easily with others – faith, politics, life, love, and dreams. We know each other too well. I still remember some things we talked about, but that is something I will keep for myself, as I am, as you have noticed, a sentimental person.

It was getting late, and your mom was already looking for you. So it was finally time to go home. The car ride to my house was quiet...with all of the emotions simmering beneath the surface.
When we were finally outside my house, I couldn’t help myself but ask... “Are you together?” “Do your parents know?”

All it took was one nod to break the bottle that was holding all of my emotions at bay. That did it. It turns out you did keep all of your promises when we were in senior year, but just not with me. I cried so hard that night, I must’ve looked like shit to you. You cried too, and threw all kinds of explanations. Because there was nothing else I could say, plus your mother was calling and texting you non-stop, I got out of the car.

The moment I had closed the car door, you started up the engine and was well on your way. As I stood there staring at the backlight of your car looming in the distance, until at last they vanished with a turn of a corner, the look on my face had finally gone from hopeful to hopeless. I had wanted a hug, or a kiss, something to remember. But I’ve only recently learned not to be picky with goodbyes. Most people in my life now come and go all the time. One friend of his told me I was lucky to have gotten a goodbye at all.
So with all of that said, with all of that finally now in the open, can you really blame me for giving up on love? I don’t think there’s anyone out there for me who can love me the way I wanted to be loved, not the way I once loved you.

I’ll never forget that summer - that one particular night, when I fell asleep to the lullaby of your heart beating in unison with mine.

I won’t hesitate, no more.
No more.
It cannot wait, I’m sure.

There’s no need to complicate,
Our time is short,
This is our fate,
I’m yours.

This song reminds me of that day you played it for me on your phone, and how you cradled me in your warmth. Sincerely. Longingly. Finding comfort in each other as the vast unknown stretched before us.

Because that was how we were back then.
No labels. No giant proclamations.
Just your heart in exchange for mine.

It's been 3 years since I entered college, and I've only realized recently that bits and pieces of myself are slowling slipping away, gone even.

I just...
I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose sight of who I am.

I know it is only expected of the elderly to use assistive devices... at least I know that much from taking Patient Care Course.

But when I saw a recent photo of my lola on a wheelchair, it was too painful for me look at.

Ang god knows it must be painful for her too, way more painful even, to feel like you can't do things for yourself anymore.

I wish I could be there to help her get around and to tell her that she's not a burden at all, and that it's only right that she gets to be taken care of now.

But instead I'm here.